Kelsey Its A Wild World


Feb 22 2012
February 22, 2012, 5:16 am
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Reading my old blogs makes me smile, and think about how much i have changed even after one year. Even as I write, i can feel my thoughts starting to form in patterns that stray from my norm. I am no longer a girl who is boycrazy, although i may be for one boy, no longer a girl who doesn’t care about anything or anyone or anything at all. I have evolved into a self-aware version of myself and for that i am happy and very grateful.

so far this year, i have fallen in love with a boy in Toronto, been told i was a loose cannon, worked myself to the bone in school for the most part, became an actual good member of CSLC. I read more, just because i want to, i listen to people instead of ignoring them, and i feel bond to the people in my life for reasons that are beyond myself. I have a new found thirst for knowledge. I keep having this image in my head of the person i want to be, and how i want to really be proud that i reached my full potential.. this automatically leaves me completely stressed out all the time, which is starting to effect the realtionships i have currently.

i find myself day dreaming about trying to get out, wanting to leave this town that has raised me and never look back. i feel suffocated, and because of that I feel myself pulling into a shell, something that felt oh so familiar this exact time last year. only last year, i was getting ready to move in with someone else, and was again suffocated. my biggest fear is to want something so bad – moving to toronto and being with andrew, is starting to make me loose myself and the stress of it all is making me turn sour and terrified. what makes me feel like i am not good enough for living in toronto? i think thats my biggest fear, and all of this is making me feel crazy.

i want it to be christmas in july again, where the hot weather was the only problem. i dont want the love of my life to walk out on me because i have insecurities and doubt and fear and flaws and stress. why do i do this? i really am the frantic renegade. I left my hair curly tonight, hopefully a change in the rest of me will soon follow.

i tried to quit writing but i cant seem to stop. the more that comes out the more worked up i get and think about having a cigarette. i want to write beautiful things, create things, think of ideas that surprise even me, cook great meals, read, learn, learn, learn. discuss. write. help someone out just because i want to. be a mentor to someone who could use some advice. i want to share the great things that taught me to grow up with someone else. give the gift that was given to me by the people that raised me. maybe this is completely self righteous, but who gives a fuck, it feels good.

 

fuck im stressed out.

i love you.



my soul has a hole
April 5, 2011, 3:55 am
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my soul has a hole from where my boyfriend resided. it is clear to me now how important it is to have a life outside of a relationship, because nothing lasts forever. now i seek affection from anyone, which is only hindering me, as i am falling back to the kind words of my ex-boyfriend. he is still affectionate, and i my soul has a hole. why do i keep feeling the need to find a new flame? a new spark? a new spring fling? I am a strong woman.

fiery aries with courage and energy.

my soul has a hole. but its only week 2 of the best quarter in the best college on the crust of Earth. today i also got amazing news, my internship in Toronto is a go. 5 weeks of paid real world expierence in an amazing city. i am terriffed, but my soul has a hole, and I pray Toronto will led a hand to my fiery aries spirit.

i love you.



courage
March 29, 2011, 1:30 am
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Courage. What makes a King out of a slave? Courage. What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage. What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage. What makes the Sphinx the 7th Wonder? Courage. What makes the dawn come up like THUNDER?! Courage. What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the “ape” in ape-ricot?

COURAGE. (wizard of oz’s Lion)

i finally got what i didnt think i got. courage.

ee cummings once said, “it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” and he was right. it takes courage to leave the one you thought was your soulmate, after you found out that there are things you don’t necessarily like about them. tattoos, nasty habits, being a spoiled princess. not only does it take courage to leave that person you thought was the one but wasnt, but it takes courage to realize those flaws and tiny “urks” can not be overlooked. but in order to become who you are, you have to focus on yourself, which takes courage.

they give a purple heart for the highest medal of honor, to show people that you have a strong sense of courage that is hard to come across. my grandfather had one. purple for the color of royalty, because our leaders are supposed to have courage. to lead us through the darkness into the light without being scared to look back through the tunnel. like i said, courage is hard to come across, but we tend to respect the people who possess the unobtainable quality. are you born with courage? do hard life times cause one to be more courageous? perhaps. maybe loving someone then having your heart broken gives you a little. or maybe leave said loved ones then you have more courage when you come out on the other side. (which you always will do – come out on the other side.)

i would love to have more courage. i want to be able to be inpendent and finally truly single, no strings attached, and no be already looking for someone else. i was to have courage so i have be unafraid of being alone, and instead cherish this time strictly spent thinking about myself.  i want to relish in my selfishness because for the first time in two years i can. thats beautiful. yet i am scared to tred water without holding on to the side of the pool. for the first time in two years i am in the center of nothing but myself.

i need to find me some more courage.

 



lions
March 7, 2011, 12:37 am
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i have become a lion. no longer a sheep, afraid of my own shadow.

 



becoming people
February 24, 2011, 4:09 am
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“We come into the world as individuals, achieve character, and become persons”

^ I read this quote in a reading from coms 235 by an author named Goffman. it means that we are all born equal, and then throughout our lives we achieve our personality. it is after our personality findings when we become people. people who put up fronts, who fake who they are until they eventually believe the fronts they’ve put up. i wish i had a front. i wish i have a fake brave face, because then maybe eventually i would believe that i am brave myself. joseph talked about flipping over the egg in the frying pan because you know its done, but not being able to move your hand with the spactula in it, because you think “if its not done, its ruined.” what where i am. i am in limbo between two directions of my life. i wish i had my brave front. no, actually, i wish i could be brave without having to put on a front at all.

at least until i figure out when to flip my egg, i have adderall, nyquil, and alcohol.

in a limbo-spinning world of confusion, i love you.



never say never
February 21, 2011, 5:01 am
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once again. i’m alone.

this title is a play on words. i am watching chelsea lately right now and bieb is on promoting his movie. neversaynever. thats basically what brock and i told each other yesterday morning when we broke up. i called him, and for the first time we both agreed that being alone was better for both of us, instead of staying in this constantly fighting relationship. we are both exhausted of fighting. but now, i am tired of crying already. and its only been a few hours. they say time heals everything, but i’m still waiting. i dont know if i will be able to be healed. writing isnt working anymore. crying just gives me a headache. texting other boys that are just a shell of friends just makes me miss him more. hes the one who knows me. who knows the curves on my hips, the smell of my hair. i know that this is right. that time will be able to heal me. time apart will hopefully allow us to grow, and therefore allow us to come back together one day with a strong and mature relationship. one where facebook and cellphones arent an issue. but until then, ill never say never.



untitled.
September 22, 2010, 7:50 pm
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he took me back. once again, i am happy. i love my family. (not my real family the one i created for myself.) you know who you are ❤