Kelsey Its A Wild World

September 22, 2010, 7:50 pm
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he took me back. once again, i am happy. i love my family. (not my real family the one i created for myself.) you know who you are ❤


Social Norms.
September 22, 2010, 7:49 pm
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Dog Walkers

When someone walks by you with a dog on a leash, what is your first reaction? To say to the person, “Oh look how cute your dog is! What’s his name?” Typically, that would be referred to as the social norm in America. You may make eye contact with the human on the end of the leash and smile, signifying that his/her dog is cute and for that it made you smile, sharing that non-verbal sign with them.

When I read this prompt, I immediately thought of one of my weird quirks that I do without realizing it. Actually, I was embarrassed when I figured out myself that on an average day I fall into the bad stigma of paralanguage once if not a few times. For me, when I walk by a dog, I completely and utterly ignore the walker, and focus strictly on the dog. I did it yesterday. Not only did I completely ignore the other human being – a member of my own kind, but I reached out, and bent my index finger up and down, saying in a high pitched voice, “Aw what a cute little bubbies minky.” (Bubbies and minky are two pet names my friends and boyfriend and I call each other, and should remain strictly in the privacy of home, I am well aware.)

Anyways, you can imagine the shock of the owner. Not only did she give me a horrified and confused stare, but she even went as far as retracting her furry friend away from me, as if I was some sort of psychopath out to snatch up her Fluffy with my suggestive index finger. The high pitched baby noises mixed with the strange and possibly obscene language was enough to shock anyone alone. I guess I was expecting such type of reaction being as this is a normal thing for me. Paralanguage has a stigma attached to it, and when it is presented in a social setting, people may say that the person representing it is strange, and out of the ordinary – something out of what America has adopted as THE social norm.

However, the other types of non-verbal behaviors are just as strange. Sometimes you see people making faces at themselves, and you just smile and wonder to yourself, “what in the hell they are thinking about?” Non-verbal behavior in all forms can sometimes be just as loud as verbal, and if you are quick to spot the non-verbals, you can understand a lot about a person before even talking to them. So next time someone sits too close to me on the bus, I’ll sit tight and wonder “Do they know what a bubbies minky is?”

part two.
September 14, 2010, 1:11 am
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although i still feel sad, selfish and broken, i have to realize that loving him wasnt everything. i have my friends, my family, myself. i might have acted wrong, but shes right. i needed to not loose myself, which is what i ultimately did. so its a doubled edged sword, i lost the man i love, gained my independence. shes right. theres a balance that needs to be had, and for most of the year it was out of whack. but now, now that i’ve taken time for myself, time to be alone, i have lost everything i thought i knew. so wheres the balance now? it is still nonexistent. so i gues i still am selfish, either way you look at it. i am unable and incapable to have a balance of my friends, family, and lover. thats why i am lost.

i love you.

but i still hate me. (right now).

minkies for life.

it’s not who we are, it’s what we do.
September 14, 2010, 12:46 am
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I am single.

Never in one year did i think that i would utter those words and be serious about it. Although i have my friends by my side, these last few days i have never felt so alone. the hole punched in my heart throbs every second of every day. and i did this. thats all i can think about. i did this. some days i think that its right, and i can be alone and be strong, laugh about the things i would normally laugh about with him with my friends, text artie when i need a taste of home, and call my dad when i need some moral support. but why? why would i want to loose the person who i care most about in this world, the only person i’ve ever felt this way about? he said i cant even give him one day a week, and for that i am selfish and don’t deserve him. even as i write that i cringe. there is something wrong with me. i pushed about the person who wants to spend all their time with me. why would i push that away? you spend your life trying to find someone like that, and here i am, pulling away like oil from water. i am a selfish person. i’ve worn the pants he gave me all weekend. he gave me back everything. everything i gave him, everything that reminds him of me. the worst was the journal. my heart would flutter every time i snuck into his bottom drawer while he was in the shower, just to read all the nice and wonderful things he wrote about me. the art he made that was inspired by me. for me. it was all for me. when i got the journal back, every page he had made was ripped out. did he throw them away? just like i did him? i am a selfish person. i keep just writing, hoping that soon i will feel better about the decision that i made. so far, not so good. its like i want to have my cake and eat it too. but the cake was more amazing than red velvet, it was someone who loved me back. someone that would do and did do anything and everything to make me and keep me happy. and i pushed it away. away and out of my life. it really isn’t who we are, its what we do. our actions shape who we are, say everything and anything about us. what we do defines us, and i am a selfish person who is afraid to let anyone love her with their whole heart. a selfish person who watches out for herself before anyone else, a broken person who gets frustrated and gives up. thats what i did. gave up. i don’t know what to do, if its too late, or too early. when is the appropriate time to address these issues? i am going to OSU this weekend, to celebrate the bobcats. how fucked up is it that i’m already hoping i stumble upon his house, or him? when we said goodbye he hugged me and picked me up for the last time, said “i love you”. god i feel my cheeks getting hot and that lump thats been permanently lodged in my throat this last week is slightly growing by the minute. i am a selfish person. it doesnt matter who i am, even if i did have the best year of my life with someone, its what i did, pushed out that besttimeofmylife someone. i am a selfish person.

i love you.

but right now, i hate me.

September 14, 2010, 12:08 am
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Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.