Kelsey Its A Wild World


Feb 22 2012
February 22, 2012, 5:16 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Reading my old blogs makes me smile, and think about how much i have changed even after one year. Even as I write, i can feel my thoughts starting to form in patterns that stray from my norm. I am no longer a girl who is boycrazy, although i may be for one boy, no longer a girl who doesn’t care about anything or anyone or anything at all. I have evolved into a self-aware version of myself and for that i am happy and very grateful.

so far this year, i have fallen in love with a boy in Toronto, been told i was a loose cannon, worked myself to the bone in school for the most part, became an actual good member of CSLC. I read more, just because i want to, i listen to people instead of ignoring them, and i feel bond to the people in my life for reasons that are beyond myself. I have a new found thirst for knowledge. I keep having this image in my head of the person i want to be, and how i want to really be proud that i reached my full potential.. this automatically leaves me completely stressed out all the time, which is starting to effect the realtionships i have currently.

i find myself day dreaming about trying to get out, wanting to leave this town that has raised me and never look back. i feel suffocated, and because of that I feel myself pulling into a shell, something that felt oh so familiar this exact time last year. only last year, i was getting ready to move in with someone else, and was again suffocated. my biggest fear is to want something so bad – moving to toronto and being with andrew, is starting to make me loose myself and the stress of it all is making me turn sour and terrified. what makes me feel like i am not good enough for living in toronto? i think thats my biggest fear, and all of this is making me feel crazy.

i want it to be christmas in july again, where the hot weather was the only problem. i dont want the love of my life to walk out on me because i have insecurities and doubt and fear and flaws and stress. why do i do this? i really am the frantic renegade. I left my hair curly tonight, hopefully a change in the rest of me will soon follow.

i tried to quit writing but i cant seem to stop. the more that comes out the more worked up i get and think about having a cigarette. i want to write beautiful things, create things, think of ideas that surprise even me, cook great meals, read, learn, learn, learn. discuss. write. help someone out just because i want to. be a mentor to someone who could use some advice. i want to share the great things that taught me to grow up with someone else. give the gift that was given to me by the people that raised me. maybe this is completely self righteous, but who gives a fuck, it feels good.

 

fuck im stressed out.

i love you.